y helo thar

There is nothing that tests my sanity more than the thought of my mother. The amount of rage, despair, and regret that I feel.. It just feels like it consumes every fiber of my being. I was simply washing the dishes and that reminded me of all the times my mother washed the same dishes even when she was sick.

What did I do for her? Did my selfishness know no end?

I feel like there’s a tempest of pure rage brewing in a corner of my mind threatening to thrash every single one of my thoughts to pieces. What if one day I break and I can’t escape my own wrath? I can’t run forever. 

I can’t even say that I’m seeking forgiveness. What good would that do to the dead? The positive response would be to care for myself in the way my mother would have wanted me to. I think that’s the only thought keeping me together and moving forward.